If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
