All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
