If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize