Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
