Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
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