Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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