She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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