i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
