Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
