Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Randomize
