gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize