I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
