Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
