and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Randomize
