Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
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