I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
