Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
