I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
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