For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
