sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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