i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
she looked like the before picture.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
