Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
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