you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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