TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
It's shark week go big or go home
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
