Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I FOUND THE LEGS
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
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