A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
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