I CAN MOONWALK!
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
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