there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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