I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
