so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
