Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
