It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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