this boner is exhausting
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
