look no pants
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
