I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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