Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
