my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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