If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
