we're chasing vodka with high fives
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
