what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
