my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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