We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
