I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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