Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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