OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I puked a lego.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize