Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize