it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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