That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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