Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize