We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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