we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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