I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
