I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
