Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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