They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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