Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
