If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
