i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
