They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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