I can't watch pbs sober anymore
so let's talk penis.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
